You’re all I want.

Background: this past week I have been faced with some very strong temptations. I have been frustrated that they even have a pull on me. “I thought I was content in You, Lord.” Two and a half years ago I was broken…and broken…and broken. The Lord showed up in my brokenness and filled the voids in my heart. I experienced that His love is enough. Now I am faced with temptations that, in the past, I have given in to. I don’t want to go back there, and part of me doesn’t even want to be TEMPTED to go back there. The Lord has started to show me that this is where the real test comes in. : ) He put the following on my heart…

It is a great test to be stripped of everything we value and find comfort in, and yet to still praise Him. In these times we learn to rely on the Lord in our weakness, and although we could not seek Him without Him drawing us to do so, there aren’t many choices for us to pursue when everyone and everything else has let us down. “Lord, you are the only one still here…the only one who will never let me down.” God’s faithfulness is confirmed. It is a difficult but rewarding place to be. There is real struggle and real pain. We are presented with the question, “Will I continue to worship Him, even if I lose all this world has to offer?”

What I am learning is that, for me, the real test comes not when I am stripped of all my opportunities for worldy pleasure and have nowhere else to go, but when I am SURROUNDED by these opportunities and still choose Him. It is supernatural whenever we desire to draw close to the Lord. It is glorious when we are faced with temptation on every side, worldly pleasures calling for our attention, BUT ABOVE ALL ELSE we desire the Lord’s intimacy and His glory.

Both experiences are valuable – when all our comforts are stripped away, we learn that He is more than enough; when temptations surround us on every side and our desire for Him STILL wins out, we learn that He is desirable above all things (the fairest of ten thousand).

Don’t discount the place in which the Lord has You. Allow Him to teach you to be content with everything or with nothing. Remember, the END goal is to know Him. May the good times, the bad times, and the ehh times all draw you closer to Him.

workie.Carriage View

This summer I worked for Noble Horse Carriage Company whose stables are located at the Noble Horse Theater on the north side of Chicago.  The theater didn’t look like this in the summer…because it was summer (no snow, no wreaths, etc.).  The theater had been closed since January, but it just reopened (October 2009) SO YOU SHOULD GO!

Anyway.  I worked for the carriage company as a “Door Man” (political correctness was never necessary at this job), which meant I was a manager of the carriage stand/a hostess for the carriage rides. I talked to customers, kept track of rides, etc.  Three of my friends on my summer project (David, Emily, and Jules) also worked for the carriage company, but they were carriage drivers.  The stand is located by Water Tower Place, Ghirardelli, and Hershey’s!

After I got off work (yes, we worked in the rain and my shirt was untucked because my shift was over!) : )

David and Sid (the horse)

Emily with Bozo : )

Jules - the pro horse trainer! John Hancock Building and Water Tower Place in the background.

So you might be wondering, “Joy, why weren’t YOU a carriage driver?”  Well, I trained to be a driver for two days.  I helped get the horses ready and I rode around with experienced drivers, gleaning wisdom from them and trying out the reins every once in a while.  On my second day of training, I was with a wonderful and experienced driver (seriously).  We were out on a ride with 3 customers in the carriage.  The horses don’t like certain noises (construction, street sweepers, garbage trucks), but most of the horses are used to it and will remain relatively calm as long as the driver remains calm. BUUUTTTT some times they still “spook,” as they call it (they, the people, not the horses).  Well, this horse spooked when we got to a construction site and started *jumping* (I apologize for not knowing technical terms).  The guy who was training me tried to get the horse to calm down, but the horse kept jumping and then he started ramming his backside into the front of the carriage (correction: the horse was a female…I always forget).  I just sat there like “ohh okay…the horse will calm down and then we’ll continue with the ride.”

No. The driver jumped off the carriage to calm the horse down (be by his side…holding on to the reins closer to the horse’s mouth).  Meanwhile, the traffic continued all around us.  After a minute or so, the driver asked me to get down from the carriage to help him.  He started pointing to random (to me) straps and to places on the horse where I should put the straps.  I did the wrong thing several times, but finally got the straps where they were supposed to be.  I still didn’t know what the driver was trying to do.

The driver seemed content after I put the last strap where it was supposed to be and then…he walked off with the horse.  He walked the horse around the corner and down the street.  I, the carriage, and the customers stayed in the middle of the street (the traffic stayed, also).  I apologized to the customers (they still had a few blocks left of their ride, but they wouldn’t be able to finish it that day [yes, they paid me]), saying that I didn’t know what happened (I wonder if that comforted them…lol).  Customers left. I stayed by the carriage (horseless carriage…driverless carriage…etc).

FINALLY, the driver called to me and motioned for me to go there (where he was around the corner and down the street).  I was like “yes! something’s happening…I’m gonna find out what’s going on…what I’m suppose to do…etc.”  I started walking toward him and he goes “No, no…” and points to the carriage. Then I realized that he did want me to go to where he was, but he also wanted me to “bring the carriage” with. So…in the middle of traffic in downtown Chicago, I picked up the wooden bars (traces? no…maybe…I don’t remember what they’re called) and pulled the carriage around the corner and down the street.  It wasn’t too bad, but it was funny to imagine what it looked like for other people to see a human pulling a horse carriage.

After 5 or 10 minutes of standing on the side of this street, my boss came and took me back to the stables (they had to fix the strap that broke on the carriage. oh yeah, that’s what was wrong and needed to be fixed. lol.) On the way back he was explaining to me that when new drivers come, they always get the good horses (so that something like what had just happened wouldn’t happen). I wasn’t very comforted, because I was still thinking about how I would have had NO idea of what to do if a horse started freaking out and I was by myself. I’d probably let it run off or something. Plus, the driver I was with needed MY help to get the horse unhooked and everything (maybe he could have done it by himself), but what would he have done if I wasn’t there?

THEREFORE, I asked my boss if I could just take the Door Man position. He was like “You don’t want to drive?”…I was like “no.”  : )  Later that day I still went out with a different driver and this driver let me drive a lot.  I had calmed down and I wasn’t as scared to drive, but I still wanted to be the Door Man rather than a driver.  By the end of the summer I felt more comfortable around the horses and may have been willing to drive. I don’t know. I still may have been too nervous.

The great thing was that I ended up LOVING the job…I loved (/love) the people, I loved being outside, I loved working with David, Emily, and Jules….and I started to like horses. I even kissed one the last night I was there.

In conclusion, I recommend Noble Horse Carriage rides. (LoL I wanted to share the story because it was funny, but I hope it didn’t scare anyone away from going for a ride).  Those things don’t happen a lot, but the horses are live animals and can get scared. They’re usually really good, though. Carriage Rides…year round…up to 6 passengers at a time. Great fun. TIP THE DRIVER! : )

Anyway. Michigan Avenue by Water Tower Place. Noble Horse Carriages.

Tait and I

My Dad and the horse drinking at the horse water fountain : )

Carriage View

Carriage View

Carriage View

Carriage View

Hopefully I’ll have time to keep updating this blog. Maybe I’ll eventually get to the present day, but there’s still a lot to say about my summer. : )

the Main thing I learned this summer.

Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?

Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?

Are ye so foolish? having begun in the Spirit, are ye now made perfect by the flesh?

Are you going to continue this craziness? For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God.

…Galatians 3:3

For the first 5 weeks of my summer project in Chicago the group I was with studied the book of Galatians. We studied it in small groups on Tuesday nights, a speaker spoke on it at our large group meetings on Wednesday nights, and my staff discipler and I usually discussed it throughout the week during our one-on-one time. If God sent me to Chicago for nothing else, it was to learn this.

——————————–

A protestant distinction between justification and sanctification:

justification – the act of pronouncing righteous, justification, acquittal (accomplished by faith in Jesus Christ because of His death on the cross for our sins; Romans 3, Gal. 2:16, 3:11, 5:4)

sanctification – the course of life befitting those so separated [to God]; the separation of the believer from evil things and ways (Romans 15:16, 1 Thes. 4:1-8, 2 Thes. 2:13); an on-going process

———————————

I think I understood fairly well before this time that it was by God’s grace that I had been saved. It was not by my doing and there was nothing I could do to deserve it. Because of Jesus’ death on the cross, my sins are atoned for as I place my trust in Christ.

As I read the Bible over the past 7 years or so, I read the calls to be holy as God is holy and to pursue righteousness. I’m sure my motives were pure at times, but at other times I was motivated by legalism and a desire to please people (usually Christians) or gain others’ approval (usually spiritual leaders of mine). I would fall into condemnation if I didn’t think I was doing a “good enough” job at being holy and it would often lead me to strive harder (sometimes in my own strength, sometimes asking for God’s).

I would never profess that I thought I could make myself holy, but my actions (or rather the motives behind them) and my disappointment when I “failed” showed that I was looking to myself to carry out this work of sanctification.

As we read through Galatians over and over this summer and as my loving leaders and peers encouraged me in Truth, God opened my eyes to the way I was living similar to the way the Galatians had been living.

I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel–which is really no gospel at all (Gal. 1:6-7a).

I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Spirit by observing the law, or by believing what you heard? … Does God give you his Spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law, or because you believe what you heard? (3:2, 5)

Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods. But now that you know God–or rather are known by God–how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable principles? Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again? (4:8,9)

The law I was living under was not the Judaic law, but my heart was similar to those in Galatia at that time. I was enslaved by works. I realized that I was not “saved” (or justified) by works, but I was acting like I could be sanctified by them.

The gospel of salvation was still about what only Jesus could do, but the “gospel” of becoming holy had become about what I (Joy) could do.

What God was showing me (over and over) this summer was that THE GOSPEL IS NOT ABOUT ME. What JESUS did defines who I am…and what He continues to do in my life defines who I am.

I needed grace THEN and I need grace NOW.

Does God still call us to holiness? Yes. Does He still want us to be conformed to His image? Yes, BUUTTTT it is the work of His Spirit that does that, not the work of myflesh. The fruits of the SPIRIT are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Gal. 5:22-23). That’s not my fruit…those aren’t my workings. Putting on a facade of love and joy and peace and patience and kindness…etc. doesn’t cut it. Trying to be really nice doesn’t cut it. Trying to produce it on my own results in frustration and pride. Allowing the Spirit to produce it in me points to my loving Savior-the author AND perfecter of my faith (Hebrews 12:2).

It’s freeing, you know? We can freely preach the gospel as it’s not pointing to us…it’s pointing to Christ.

Soooo….thank you Lord for drilling that in my heart. I know there’s still more, but thank you for the work you’ve begun and have continued and…

CHICAGO SUMMER PROJECT UPDATE I

I realize that I have about 9 weeks of a packed summer project to update people on, so I will start with a broad overview of the trip to give a general idea of what took place. I will then proceed to little by little go deep into what I learned, share specific stories, and so on (these will come on later days). : )

The summer project I did with Campus Crusade for Christ in Chicago is a leadership development project. (For more info re: the summer projects that take place across the United States and around the world, you can go to http://gosummerproject.com) The goal of the projects is to reach out to the people in the cities we go to and meanwhile learn what it means to be a leader in Christian ministry and a follower of Christ at home, on your campus, and in your workplace.

The Chicago Summer Project that I participated in had a *campus ministry* focus, so a main goal of the project was to partner with the Campus Crusade ministries on campuses in Chicago to reach out to the vast number of students in the city.  Some campuses already have Christian movements, so the goal on these campuses was to help boost their ministry. For campuses that do not have Christian movements, we sought to find Christians on these campuses who have a heart to reach the other students on their campus for Christ and get them hooked up with existing Campus Crusade ministries in Chicago.

Here are some logistics of the trip:

Dates June 5th to August 9th

• June 5th to July 9th with staff (about 75 people, including staff children! : ))

most of the project on UIC's lawn

• July 10th to August 9th without staff (32 students; eek, if God can use us…)

just the students

Staff info

• About 30 full-time staff members with Campus Crusade (also some Campus Crusade interns, volunteer staff…they’re all staff to me : ))
• 8 of these full-time staffers were with a part of Campus Crusade that’s called Faculty Commons whose focus on the college campuses is to reach out to professors. That excites me. : ) (A website with more information on this is http://clm.org; their heart is to reach the faculty in order to reach more students).
• 1 of the full-time staffers that was with us this summer, Marilyn Adamson, is the creator of a website called EveryStudent.com that has articles that address questions about Christianity and other life issues. It was awesome to hear Marilyn’s heart behind this online ministry and to hear stories about people who have accepted Christ after reading through articles about what it means to know God personally, accept Jesus Christ as Savior, etc. (I recommend this website even if the person isn’t a student. The articles aren’t too long and there are lots of different topics addressed.)
• States represented by the staffers: California, Florida, Georgia (lots of UGA-ers), Ohio, Michigan, Illinois, and Indianer.
• The staff did an awesome job of preparing us students for the second 1/2 of project when they wouldn’t be there. They led with humility and were committed to our spiritual growth. I was so0o0o0o inspired by their transparency and willingness to admit their struggles. They didn’t pretend to be superstars and I think it’s really affected me in the way that I lead: to be okay with not being perfect…etc.

just staff...night before they left : (

Student info

• There were 32 students who stayed for the entire project
• Ages ranged from 18 to 23
• States represented: Colorado, Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Pennsylvania, Missouri, Ohio, Michigan, Illinois, Kentucky and Indiana (multiples from Ball State, IU, Michigan State, BGSU and Miami-Ohio)
• I will have lots more to say about these wonderful students, but some snapshots: they were all stretched, they all stepped out in faith and trusted God in ways they hadn’t before, and they were all wonderful encouragers to the other students on project!

one Project Fun night at the beach

A typical week

Monday: Work or look for jobs during the day; Go to Re:Charge at night (a time of learning and equipping in the Word for just the people on Chicago Summer Project)

Tuesday: Work or look for jobs during the day; Go to Action Group at night (the students were split up into small groups that ate together and then studied the Bible…the first 1/2 of project we studied the book of Galatians [sooo good])

my Bible study the first 1/2 or project

Wednesday: Work or look for jobs during the day; Go to a cook-out and then to Re:Late (a large group meeting similar to most Campus Crusade meetings on campus composed of times of worship, fellowship, and teaching of the Word; we were encouraged to invite co-workers and students we met on campus to these meetings)

Thursday: Work or look for jobs during the day; usually a free night to do laundry, hang out, catch up on reading, etc.
***Students took one day off from work out of Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday to go on campus; students would meet one-on-one with their staff or student “discipler” and then go talk to students on campus or advertise for an event coming up***

Friday: Work or look for jobs during the day; usually a free night

Saturday: Free day during the day; outreach in the community at night (Millenium Park, the Thomspon Center, the El, the Magnificent Mile…more stories to come : ))

Sunday: Go to our respective churches in the morning (we were split up into 4 church groups); afternoon free time; Impact Group at night (one guys’ Bible study was paired up with one ladies’ Bible study that had dinner together and hung out) followed by Project Fun (hmmm some kind of fun activity that we did all together ooorrrr “extended time alone with the Lord”, depending on the week; more details to come)

my Impact Group the second 1/2 (so no staff : ()

OOOooookay. I will stop here for now.  More detailed information to come!!! (including the inside scoop on my job that I adored)

Each day I’ve been realizing more and more how much God taught me on this trip and the ways He has changed me. Thank you for your prayers and support!

–* Joy

employment

i have what they call a job. for the past 2 weeks of my life i have slaved [it seems] towards the goal of finding a job…any job…for the summer. it can’t be just any job…off by 5 pm…no Sundays…one day off out of tues., wed., and thurs. i’ll use those as my excuses for not being able to find a job for 2 weeks. it’s become a pattern in my life that i end up working wherever a door opens up. i often don’t have to interview or fill out an application. it usually ends up being something i have NOOOOOOOOO experience in. (*these are all references to summer jobs. jobs during the school year tend to be more normal and life goal related: private math tutoring, etc. or just private math tutoring). painting the exterior of houses [horribly], being a garbage girl for the parks department, taking care of 6 one year olds…….being a horse carriage driver in down town Chicago.

the job is unique in and of itself. what’s more unique for me is a) the majority of my life has been characterized by a dislike of animals (i started being okay with them and almost liking them over the past couple years) and b) i haven’t touched a horse since i was 4 and when i was 4 i was crying as i was forced to ride a pony (disregard the child abuse overtones). i think looking back i’ll be like “oh, God, you knew what you were doing all along…it’s so great the way you opened this door.” Right now it’s like “oh summer project jobs…you do what you can do.”

it IS cool, though, that we (3 other students from project and myself) are able to have this job because up until a week ago if we didn’t have an illinois drivers’ license, we wouldn’t be able to do it and something about we couldn’t get temporary licenses blah blah blah. ANYWAY we CAN get the illinois drivers’ licenses now and we can be carriage drivers.

idk if i’ll end up doing it. i’ve driven the carriage a couple times when a trainer was with me. it might be some time before i’m ready to do it by myself. it’s similar to my situation with student painters and the day care: it’s not that i mind the job that much (the labor aspect of it), but i stongly dislike the way my inexperience negatively affects other people (ruining the paint job on their houses, not be able to keep an eye on ALL the children and having some of them get hurt). like today…horse gets mad…people or cars getting hurt >>> a definite possibility. i know risks are a part of life…but i think it’d be unwise to have a very untrained/scared girl drive a horse carriage down town.

[DISCLAIMER: don’t worry friends, family, Chicago Police Department, etc.;  they don’t let you out on your own if you don’t know what you’re doing.           GO FOR A CARRIAGE RIDE!]

it’s just crazy. i’ll have more stories to come. it just takes energy to type them on here and….i’m going to devote that energy to sleeping (ironic? don’t worry about it).

peace.

this picture is funny because i found it on google images and it's one of our company's carriages

the beginning of my summer project reflections : )

so it’s day no. 3.  i’m in chicago on a summer project with Campus Crusade (what they call a “spiritually based leadership development project” :)). we’ve done a lot of “getting to know you” activities, as well as information sessions and devotional time.  yesterday we explored the city in the form of a scavenger hunt called the “Chicago Challenge.”  today we went in the city again, but this time to start up spiritual conversations with people.  the *method* we used today was Quest Surveys. 6 questions about life or spirituality. the last question segways into a presentation of the gospel (God’s plan for salvation) if people are interested in finding out what it means to know God personally.

today i talked with a lady from France and 1/2 way through the conversation a man came and joined us (he knew the lady).  i thoroughly enjoyed our conversation.  both had no desire to know God because they do not believe in Him.  one was still searching for some type of spirituality and the other had given up.  both were very observant, though, that people are searching for something more.  they realize that materialism does not satisfy.  the lady i was out sharing with talked some about what we’re doing and clarified out intentions (she’s so sweet & reminds me of my wonderful family in Georgia…because she’s from Georgia. I wouldn’t be surprised if I found out later that we are related -lol-).  we had a little theological discussion, but it was all pretty lighthearted. we were all serious about what we believed, but we didn’t feel threatened by the other person’s disagreement. i enjoyed just getting to know these two wonderful people. i’ve walked through some dark times of confusion, doubt, and unbelief and *completely* understand where they’re coming from. i get it that this Christianity thing doesn’t seem to make sense at times. we don’t fully get it and things aren’t always clear. i know what it’s like to question the existence of God. THAT’S NOTHING NEW. i like reading through the Psalms (and other parts of the Bible) and seeing how the same situations existed then. “The fool says in his heart ‘There is no God.'” atheism isn’t a 21st or 20th century idea.

i was encouraged two ways by this conversation: 1) i didn’t feel threatened by the two people’s opinions that differed from mine. i didn’t feel shaken or like my faith was called into question. i was able to stand firmly by what i believe and i didn’t fear what they said. some of the intellectual debates i was like “uh uh think of a logical defense,” but never like “omgoodness what if God isn’t real? ahhhh what are they going to say!?!?” … and 2) i know we planted a seed in their hearts and that we were obedient to talk to these people. i don’t know God’s exact plan for their life, but i know that it’s good. i had so much love for them and so much joy in our conversation…just like “God’s got it…He’ll move in their hearts.” i didn’t want to just talk concepts and i think my motives were pure. i laid out some theological truths or beliefs that i have, but my intention wasn’t to talk them into it. i recognized that God would have to move in their hearts. i’m not here to minister to their heads. i pray that God explodes their hearts with firy love. haha seriously. that waves and waves of His love would overtake them. i’m not here to prove a point and win an argument. prove all my logical reasoning wrong. that’s fine. but God’s love will prevail. let Him woo you.

ahhhh love it.

we (the students on the project) go look for jobs tomorrow. pray for us! so many places and there’s still the worry “what if i don’t find a job?!?!?!”   peace be still. : )

love

joy

baked apple quaker instant oatmeal

I ate the [title] this morning and the smell made me want to go home. LoL that sounded funny. It smelled really good and it made me really not want to be away at school. It evoked [very quick] images and memories of Thanksgiving dinners in Georgia.

Some people might disagree, but I’m not a big one for independence. I like being alone sometimes and I like doing things my own way, but I don’t like being away from family. The longer I’m at school, the more I sometimes wish I still lived at home.

No regrets? It’s good that I’m here, ’cause I realize how amazing it is to have an awesome family and to live in a home and to have hot meals with people you love. : ) I’ve learned my lesson, though, and I’m ready to go home.

I’m also a runner and so I’m at the point in the semester when I’m overwhelmed and just want to leave. Regardless, family dinners are a beautiful thing. They get rushed through so often, but when you’re at the student union eating instant oatmeal…it makes you wanna slow down and have some roast beast and mashed potatoes in your yellow kitchen at a table for 4 that’s currently seating 8.

Peace.

the adult xanga

It’s interesting the way people go through cycles.  I guess I can’t generalize it to people, when I’m basing it off of myself.  I think of how a lot of ppl blogged on xanga in high school.  Then, it wasn’t that cool anymore.  Maybe people wanted to all along, but felt stifled by myspace and facebook.  If you update your profile enough, it’s like a blog.  Anyway. I’ve found more and more people start their adult blog, once several years have lapsed since the closing of their xanga site.  This observation is not based on a lot of evidence…just thoughts…perceptions…guesses.

Honestly, I think I was too prideful the past several years to blog…or maybe I was too scared to let people know what I was thinking. Therefore, this blog is to be a symbol of a new page in my life or a sign of maturity.

Hopefully it doesn’t replace my interactions with people. Maybe one day someone will google a topic and they’ll find a link to my blog.  I know I read a lot of people’s blogs when I’m doing research for theology and philosophy papers.  That’d be cool to be cited in someone’s paper.  I’ll work on writing profound things.

Well, I shall go work on some abstract algebra and some forgiveness writing.

I tried to sum up the desires of my heart in one line for the title of this site.  I settled on “…then I shall know fully” from 1 Corinthians 13:12.  The whole verse goes “Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” The more I learn about God, the I more I realize I don’t know. That’s where I am right now. Desperate, in some sense, to know Him…but still a little scared to find out or to be rejected in my search (although He promises that we will find Him when we seek Him with all of our heart–perhaps I don’t think I’m capable of doing that). Regardless, I long to know Him fully, but I also recognize that I can only handle glimpses for now.  I’ve been ruined by the glimpse I’ve seen so far…it’s captivated my life.  It holds my focus, directs my path, guides my decisions.

God, may you decide when I pause in seeking You…may you decide when it’s “enough for now,” when I have seen and tasted as much as I can handle. I don’t want to hold back in fear. I need to trust you.

glimmer of hope

I’m grateful for google and the way it helps me find pictures that describe how I’m feeling–like I’m walking through a dark forest, but a faint light is shining that gives me hope.

Peace.